If I Can't Have Her
by RLD Flame-point Callie-co
Summary: Merlin's thoughts as he confronted and killed Agravaine in the tunnels of Ealdor. It's either slightly AU or just a radically different interpretation of canon events with one-sided Mergana and Morgravaine, and semi-dark!Merlin.


**This short story was inspired by one of the (many, and VERY LONG) PMs between myself and Eidolon02, so I'm dedicating it to him. I tried to capture what you said about Merlin showing Agravaine how he could match Morgana in a way Agravaine never could and I hope you like it, amigo.**

**Warnings: canon character death, Agravaine perving on Morgana (also canon), and non-canon semi-stalkerish behavior by Merlin, who's portrayed as not exactly evil but definitely darker than on the show. What can I say, dark!Merlin also came up in one of those long PMs.**

**Disclaimer: since Mergana isn't canon, I obviously do not own Merlin.**

"Where's Arthur? Tell me now, or I'll have to kill you."

"I don't think so." Only one of them could leave the tunnels alive, and Merlin already knew it wasn't going to be Agravaine. If he got out he would just carry on trying to kill Arthur and almost everyone else Merlin cared about… He would go back to Morgana. Merlin couldn't let that happen, because Agravaine didn't deserve his place at her side.

Merlin always knew Morgana would never be his. They were on opposite sides, the bitterest of enemies, but they were also equals, both born with powerful magic, and they would have been so _right_ together if only destiny hadn't come between them. As two sorcerers hiding right under Uther's nose they could have helped each other, worked together to ensure that Arthur lived to take his father's place and became the great king he was destined to be. They could have been partners, even lovers eventually - Merlin was sure of it. They were each other's perfect match.

He'd been too afraid to stray off the path destiny had laid out for him though, too afraid to be what she needed when she was most vulnerable, and his inaction had cost him any chance of ever being with the beautiful witch. Instead he was pushed out of her life, reduced to watching from afar as she sought allies and companionship elsewhere…and Agravaine was all too eager to fill that role.

He was drawn to her - who wouldn't be? She was still gorgeous even without her fine gowns and jewels and Gwen to do her hair, not to mention the dark allure her now-unfettered powers lent her - and she indulged him, even _encouraged_ him. Since discovering the location of the hovel she now called home Merlin had gone back several times, using his magic - still superior to hers although not by such a large margin anymore - to keep from getting caught. He told himself he was only spying on her to learn her plans, but while he was there he couldn't help seeing the hungry look in Agravaine's eyes as he watched Morgana, how desperate he was for her attention and approval. He couldn't help seeing that she sometimes gave it, just enough to keep Agravaine eating out of the palm of her pale, slender hand.

It made Merlin's blood boil. _He_ was the one who belonged with Morgana, not this lecherous old man twice her age who stared up at him and exclaimed, "You have magic!" as if it were something he'd stumbled across or somehow acquired rather than the core of his being.

"I was born with it," Merlin retorted coldly. _Just like Morgana._ Agravaine, whose mundane existence had never been clouded or brightened by magic, could never hope to understand this part of them. He could never match Morgana in that way, yet he had the gall to desire and pursue her anyway, not knowing or perhaps not caring that she only tolerated him because she had no one better. _She can't have me, and I can't have her._

When he threw Agravaine down again, this time making sure the fall broke his neck, he thought that maybe Arthur's treacherous uncle did have one thing in common with him and Morgana; they were all deceitful, hiding the darkest parts of themselves from those closest to them. Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine, Percival, and all the other knights didn't know about Merlin's magic. They didn't know that he had found Morgana's hideout months ago and kept it to himself so he could watch her, not to keep abreast of her movements as he pretended in order to justify his actions inside his own head but out of a perverse desire to stay near the woman he would have loved had things been different.

No one, not even Gaius or Merlin's own mother, would ever know about the utter lack of remorse he felt as he looked down on Agravaine's corpse. If they somehow learned that he had killed the traitor, they would assume he had done it purely to save them - reluctantly of course, because _wanting_ to kill anyone simply wasn't in Merlin's nature. None of them would ever suspect he had also done it to keep Agravaine away from Morgana. _Because if I can't have her, no one will._

**Thanks for reading! For those of you waiting for an update to The Sorcerer's Bride, I'm working on ch27. I just felt like taking a break to write something different and shorter than my 2000 word-per-chapter minimum. Meanwhile if you have any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them.**


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